I can see your snarled lips—hear your dismissive harrumphs. Piracy is no model for orthodoxy, a blasphemous affront to God. But look again, me hearties, and you’ll see the truth of it. A Pirate’s systematic theology (prolegomena, at least):
Total Depravity: We verminous few hold no grudge with the truth. We’re depraved sorts, riddled with scurvy and rickets, enslaved to material desires. There be no illusion of goodness among us. Me first mate, Calvin, harangues us daily, “Worms – Rats – Diseased, infested cockroaches – that’s the lot of you without the grace of God. No good swabbers of the deck.” But, by the grace of God, we be instead Pirates for God. Simil iustus et peccator, it’s tatted right on my shoulder, simultaneously justified and sinner.
Outcasts: There be not a noble blood among us. Chased and belittled across the seas, we find ourselves banished, hated, despised. If God be true, if God love the unloved, the our sorry band of lost souls marks the X of God’s new treasure. Beware, hearties, of the fine priests, from the fine families, who speaketh fine words because he be scared to speak the truth. Did not our celestial cap’n say, “Woe to you when people speak well of you for that is what they did to the false prophets of old.”
A Ship’s Journey: We all be packed in together, tossed upon the waves, confronted by the dangerous lady that is the sea but buffeted by the ship’s hold. We are in that world but not of it. We face that danger but know we cannot live without protection. Be there a better place to contemplate the salvation of God? Be there better mateys to correct your effrontery when your poetic flights have strayed to far from God? Ye have mutiny here before ye have unwarranted speculation.
Raiding: We pillage but only from the best. Our confessional treatise (coming from Zondervan in 2008) be titled, “A Generous Pillaging: Why the Mateys are Missional, Evangelical, Protestant, Liberal/Conservative, Mystical/Poetic, Biblical, Charismatic/Contemplative, Fundamentalist/Calvinist, Anabaptist/Anglican, Methodist, Catholic, Maritime/Land-loving, Pillagers/Defenders, Anarchist, Arsonist, Fully Finished but Not Fully Sanctified Christians.”
Treasure: Pirates seek treasure. Theological Pirates seek the pearls of ancient wisdom, dug up from the tomes of those who’ve passed before. What modern (or post-modern rapscallion for that matter) has offered us a treasure as great as Augustine’s words of peace, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee, O Lord.” It be wisdom that's better than a swift tail wind, better even then gold.
Paradox: Orthodoxy? Piracy? Indeed, they be strange bedfellows, I grant you, but as I penned in my dissertation at pirate seminary, “Tension sparks creative resolution.”
Narrative: Ever heard a boring pirate adventure? Exactly.
Now stifle those wayward grins and let me tell you a story of St. Patrick and the Kraken…
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